Monday, September 26, 2011


So I was getting ready to do a post about the latest news for Kaitlyn and Josh. They have both had a couple appointments recently and I wanted to get the news out. But on one hand, all my pictures I wanted to post got deleted:( I was so sad! And today the subject of autism took center stage in our house.

Autism. Some days I really hate that word. It can mean a stereotype, a label, a definition of what your child can or cannot do. But days like today I don't mind it. It gives me a word for what went on in our house this morning. It gave me something to say when I didn't want to come right out and tell people who asked that I had a crappy day that I never wish to repeat. I refer to these days as 'autism' days. And anyone with a child on the Autism Spectrum can attest to what I mean.

The day for me started at 7:45 am (OK if you want to know the truth... it started at 4:30am when I spent almost 2 hours... for the second time last night....... with a fussy, teething Kaitlyn). Scott was up getting the kids off to school like every other morning. I woke up to Trevor running and screaming into my room and jumping on me -hard-.... that he had therapy and was not going to school. I thought quickly about what day and time it was and then informed him that he did not have therapy today. What a wrong thing to say!!! A meltdown that was........ epic..... resulted. Both Scott and I got hit and bit at one point. I actually took the brunt of it since Scott ended up leaving or Jordan would have been late for school and he would be late for work. I quickly realize that I can't physically drag him to school.. especially since I had Kaitlyn to deal with. I left him in our living room where he bounced between the couch and floor for almost 2 hours solid... screaming he needed to go to therapy. I still can't remember what I could have said that made him think he had therapy today.

He finally did calm down and spent the day in his room. He was supposed to be cleaning it, but he mostly just got distracted by everything in there and didn't make any cleaning headway. It was OK because he really needed hours to get in a better place emotionally.

So I call these days 'autism' days and leave it at that. So if you ever ask me how I am doing and I say I am having an 'autism' day.... maybe you can get a little bit of an idea of what is going on.

I love Trevor. I am so proud of how far he has come. I want more than anything for him to be OK and to be able to make his way in this world that he has had to adapt to. I really wish I understood why certain things can upset him so much and what I can do to help. I am making progress and I will continue to do so. But some days... Autism just plain kicks my butt!

Friday, September 16, 2011

Where I have been emotionally....

I am back.

I know that you won't understand why I am saying this because I never went anywhere. I have never shared what was going on with me to a single person until now.

I haven't been in the best of places emotionally for the last while. And since summer hit, it really went downhill.

But I am back. I can't tell you what specifically kicked me back into gear, it was probably more of a sequence of things.

The two biggest events that has gotten me back is school starting and a new calling. School starting is  because I now have times during the day of absolute quiet when the younger two are sleeping and the older boys are in school. I can think, I can relax and I can reflect. I needed that. I didn't know how much I needed that until now.

And the second thing was getting a new calling last week. I was called to be a Relief Society Instructor in my ward. I have never taught Relief Society and I am so out of my element here that it is almost comical. But some good things have come. I had an honest talk with my bishop about my concerns being 'unavailable' during that time for Trevor and Josh. You see, church is NOT easy for us with the kids. So my Bishop is calling two people to be 'helpers' for Trevor and Josh. Each of them will get their own person who will be with them during the time Scott and I can't be and their sole purpose is to help them deal with the issues they have. I can't tell you how much that took off my shoulders to have this happen. I might actually get to listen and enjoy church for the first time since having Trevor. I think seeing a solution finally to the stress I have about church and those two has done tremendous good for me.

 I feel like I have been in this horribly dark place and I can't get out. I love my kids. I enjoy them. But having special needs kids is very draining on an emotional level. I know all kids are difficult at times and so some people may have looked at me from a different point of view. But I do have one 'typical' child and let me tell you... he is easier. He is not easy.... but easier. Trevor and Josh especially are HARD. I don't generally like to talk or even dwell on the challenges we have with those two, but I think things need to change.

So.... from now on, for my sake more than anything, I am going to be honest. I think keeping everything inside like I have for so long has been my biggest downfall. I don't think I am a negative person, but I always felt like people would think of me that way if I was honest and told them how I was really doing or feeling on any particular day.

I want those moms of special needs kids who read my blog to know that what they might be feeling is normal. I want them to know that life is hard, but these kids are so amazing and wonderful and it's OK to not feel hunky-dory every single minute. I sure don't. But I thought I had to tell people that so they wouldn't think of my as a bad parent or a failure.

I have come to the conclusion that I need to be an open book. I need to be OK with being upset, angry or frustrated along with happy and excited about new things happening with my kids. If I can help one person then I will be obtaining my goal.

I love my kids. I love them despite the challenges they face and the challenges their everyday care brings to our family. I love watching them learn new things that were hard for them. I love what they have taught me.

So I want anyone and everyone who reads this blog to know that I want to reach out, I want to help others, I want to talk about those hard things, and I want to express myself no matter what I am feeling on that day.

So I am back.

I have a rough road ahead still working on what I need to do to be in a good place emotionally. But I know I have made it through the hardest part.... admitting that I have NOT been ok and doing something about it.

Please comment and ask questions if you have them. Please let me know if you see something you think would help make me a better person. Please try to understand.