Where I have been emotionally....

I am back.

I know that you won't understand why I am saying this because I never went anywhere. I have never shared what was going on with me to a single person until now.

I haven't been in the best of places emotionally for the last while. And since summer hit, it really went downhill.

But I am back. I can't tell you what specifically kicked me back into gear, it was probably more of a sequence of things.

The two biggest events that has gotten me back is school starting and a new calling. School starting is  because I now have times during the day of absolute quiet when the younger two are sleeping and the older boys are in school. I can think, I can relax and I can reflect. I needed that. I didn't know how much I needed that until now.

And the second thing was getting a new calling last week. I was called to be a Relief Society Instructor in my ward. I have never taught Relief Society and I am so out of my element here that it is almost comical. But some good things have come. I had an honest talk with my bishop about my concerns being 'unavailable' during that time for Trevor and Josh. You see, church is NOT easy for us with the kids. So my Bishop is calling two people to be 'helpers' for Trevor and Josh. Each of them will get their own person who will be with them during the time Scott and I can't be and their sole purpose is to help them deal with the issues they have. I can't tell you how much that took off my shoulders to have this happen. I might actually get to listen and enjoy church for the first time since having Trevor. I think seeing a solution finally to the stress I have about church and those two has done tremendous good for me.

 I feel like I have been in this horribly dark place and I can't get out. I love my kids. I enjoy them. But having special needs kids is very draining on an emotional level. I know all kids are difficult at times and so some people may have looked at me from a different point of view. But I do have one 'typical' child and let me tell you... he is easier. He is not easy.... but easier. Trevor and Josh especially are HARD. I don't generally like to talk or even dwell on the challenges we have with those two, but I think things need to change.

So.... from now on, for my sake more than anything, I am going to be honest. I think keeping everything inside like I have for so long has been my biggest downfall. I don't think I am a negative person, but I always felt like people would think of me that way if I was honest and told them how I was really doing or feeling on any particular day.

I want those moms of special needs kids who read my blog to know that what they might be feeling is normal. I want them to know that life is hard, but these kids are so amazing and wonderful and it's OK to not feel hunky-dory every single minute. I sure don't. But I thought I had to tell people that so they wouldn't think of my as a bad parent or a failure.

I have come to the conclusion that I need to be an open book. I need to be OK with being upset, angry or frustrated along with happy and excited about new things happening with my kids. If I can help one person then I will be obtaining my goal.

I love my kids. I love them despite the challenges they face and the challenges their everyday care brings to our family. I love watching them learn new things that were hard for them. I love what they have taught me.

So I want anyone and everyone who reads this blog to know that I want to reach out, I want to help others, I want to talk about those hard things, and I want to express myself no matter what I am feeling on that day.

So I am back.

I have a rough road ahead still working on what I need to do to be in a good place emotionally. But I know I have made it through the hardest part.... admitting that I have NOT been ok and doing something about it.

Please comment and ask questions if you have them. Please let me know if you see something you think would help make me a better person. Please try to understand.